To The Heartbreaker,
2015 was helluva year! I was loved and then unloved by you. Following that were days I felt betrayed and ditched and there were days I felt I had been pushed back to reality by a blessing in disguise. There were days I wanted to yell at your face so that you could see the heartbreak in my eyes and there were days I would do anything to avoid seeing you. There were days I longed to talk you one last time and there were days I felt I should not waste any more time on you because you had wasted enough of my time already. I had been living all these days-turned-months, fighting my feelings. These always seemed to win. Just one of these feelings burdened my heart enough: all of them together crushed me.
Why did you have to lead me on for a few months only to tell me in the end that you had mistaken attraction for love? Growing up, I realised that love and loyalty are my strength and I expect the same back from the people I give them to. Why did you think it was okay to awaken the best part of me and just toss it away for your own selfish pursuits, leaving me to experience the best part as my weakness? While I was learning to accept the apology I had never got, you appeared out of nowhere and said sorry as though this unfelt word of five letters strung together, could make me forget everything you have put me through and feel better. I had a playlist of fxck-you songs ready to throw at your face when you turned back to say sorry; they would make you feel terrible about what you did to me and every time you heard the songs being played, the sense of guilt would linger around you. But…I chose not to do that. Instead I forgave you and just as I predicted, forgiving you did not fill the void in me. After all those months of trying to leave my past where it belongs and move on ahead, there you were, asking me if I wanted to start over with you (and then disappear when I risked myself for another lie?). Why did you have to come back all of a sudden and make it even worse? If you were not going to help me heal, why did you have to return and derail my recovery?
The year 2015 has been a painful one. I had walked so many lonely paths under the city lights at nights. I had sat aloof at cafes trying to find some peace of mind - a state of not thinking about you - and you just do not know how chaotic my mind had been. You forced me over a very tough set of hurdles. I had people telling me not to put myself through so much and to move on from you but it had never been easy for me. There were moments when I felt I could not take it anymore. You took me for granted- you knew I was too steadfast to leave the relationship even if you did your best to stay away from me and went for weeks on end without talking to me. The sadness I felt was sickeningly heavy. Because of you, I have trust issues now. My heart is frozen solid already, at this young age. I have turned into somebody who believes that detaching myself from people is wiser than getting attached and being hurt in the end.
But the year was a learning experience as well. I’m happy I have finally come to my senses. You will understand how painful this has been for me only if you go through the same. Now that I am nine months removed from the situation, I am glad it ended when it did. I had become comfortable in our toxic relationship but I am happy that I have been able to wise up before reaching the point of no return. I realised that ending it has given me the opportunity to put myself in a better situation that will pave my way to becoming the woman I aspire to be. I have always wondered how people could have the courage to cut somebody they love out of their lives, move on and start over with somebody new but this time, I will do the same. I will not allow you and our past to haunt me or hold me back. It's high time for me now to accept the fact that people leave. They leave, they just leave. Every fibre of my being understands that I need to let go of the past and move on, for my own stability. I have learned my worth. I believe I am better than what I had settled for and that better things are on the way. I am setting myself free off all the chains binding me. I know someday I will look back at it all and be happy about the decision I made, to let you go. I believe I will be fine.
Thank you for pushing me back to reality and reminding me that I am supposed to be focused on things that matter, at this moment in my life. I appreciate you for pretending to be somebody you thought would measure up to my expectation and I realised, I fell in love with ‘that somebody’ you tried to be and not you. We may run into each other someday in a busy lane or at a café or anywhere we are destined to meet again but I hope the feelings I once had for you do not feel at home in me anymore. I hope my heart does not recognise yours. Let me end the story of us right where 2015 ends. I hope you grow wiser and respect women and our feelings. I hope I regain faith in love and people. I look forward for the year 2016, ready to start from the sketch with positivity, love and grace.
In the end, you’re just a frog I mistakenly kissed believing you to be a prince.
So, there you go along with the year 2015!